Monthly Archives: December 2012

the holidays are over…

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so, the holidays are over, other than New Years’ Eve, which is usually quite boring for us anyways. being non-drinkers, non-partiers, and largely anti-social, we generally just hang out together and try to find something to watch in terms of a count-down.  this year, we will be spending NYE with hubby’s grandmother.  we will have a nice dinner, and just chat probably.  then drive home, hopefully not running into any drunk drivers.

so, over the holidays, i think we managed to tell everyone about our surrogacy plans.  my darling decided to tell his family, and it went over swimmingly.  i think that there is a combo of folks who are excited now and folks who will be more excited as the plans get solidified.  i think there are more of the latter though, right now this all seems pretty crazy to most people, and until there is a bun in the proverbial oven, it’s not going to be very real.

on another good note, though i haven’t managed to talk to her in person,  my step-sister has found out from our sister, and has read the (this) blog to get caught up.  she emailed me via facebook, and said she knew some people who had done the surrogacy process in India and have a three year old.  it’s so neat how you find out through various grapevines, about different people who have gone through some of the same journeys as you are planning to do, and can gather information through others.  i am really happy with this, as it was all so overwhelming at the start (and still is), but so nice to hear of real success stories.  it makes me feel better, which i have said before.

so we got the results, and the wigglers are good… so that’s half of the equation.  now it’s up to me, and i feel even more worried at the prospect of my old and crusty eggs (yes, i read that exact phrase on a medical website that was describing why sometimes eggs from older women aren’t as viable, they get old and crusty, making it hard for the sperm to break through the shell) not working.  i am going to try really hard not to whine over the next few months about how worried i am, but i am really worried.  funny, three months ago i wouldn’t have even given this a second thought, and now it’s a pretty prominent thought…. oh well, time will pass, and we will know, and that will be that!!!

i think i will go to bed now, we have a big day of furniture moving for Nana… she is getting a new easy chair for the living room and we are going to go pick it up and deliver it for her.  then we will take the old one home, so we can have an easy chair.  a real La-Z-Boy, a leather one… it’s a clunker, and i am worried about the cats going underneath of it, but it’s really comfy, so we will take it on a trial basis 😛

incidentally, can anyone tell me where to get a bottle of this in the Lower Mainland?  i crave it so… 

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wow… who hates their dell laptop?

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it’s ME!!!!  i just typed out a huge post, and my dell laptop has a touch pad mouse that i constantly hit accidentally with the base of my thumb or my wrist or whatever, and it often does things with the page that i don’t wish it to do, and it just deleted my whole post by going to a different page.  and yes, i have tried and tried and tried and tried to disable the effing touch pad mouse, even following the very clear instructions on the dell website for this model of laptop, and for some reason, the disabling of the touch pad is disabled on this laptop.  so it is the bane of my existence (wow, first world problems, eh?) and my long post is gone.  needless to say, it hadn’t started out this way.

so, what it was originally about, was that though we are at a bit of a stand-still, waiting for the chemicals to leave my body, i am kind of unsure of what the next step should be.  should we select a clinic now, and have them ready to receive my test results, or should we just wait for the test results, and then work with various clinics to see what they have to offer, based on my ovarian profile?

in my direct contact with the few clinics, they have asked me for my test results ahead of the actual quote, which makes sense, as they don’t really know what they are dealing with, if we don’t know how viable our eggs and sperm are.  however, is this just a convenience for them, and could we select a clinic now, based on the other criteria (some of which includes how they treat the surrogates, the experiences of others, where they are located, what information they have provided thus far, cost, etc.), or can we truly not make a decision before the test results are in, because maybe the test results will render our choices fewer?  i have a feeling this may be the case.  anyways, i am really not good at waiting or inactivity on a project, so this question is rattling around in my head at the mo’.  i dunno if i will actually be able to answer it, and i think there are several conversations to be had anyways.

ok, so another thing… this is all so strange for us.  we have been together for ten years now, and have never really had a baby so close to being a reality.  we have spent the last ten years saying things like “when we adopt”, “in the future”, or “one day when”, and time has just passed and passed and passed, and i must admit, it kind of seemed like it wasn’t ever going to happen. but, since it had always been such a non-reality, we had never been very upset about the possibility that it wouldn’t happen, because we always just seemed to be busy with other things  .  i guess that’s what it must have seemed like to my mother-in-law too, which is why she proposed this option 😛

so, while i am taking a long time to get to my point, i think that now that this idea has been proposed, and seems like a MAJOR reality, i am really worried it won’t work.  we are really, really, really getting into the idea of having a baby, and while there are some very, very, very, very scary parts to think about, we are so excited.  so what if it doesn’t work?  what if my eggs are too old and crusty and they just won’t work.  i have always been sure that we would still go through with this with an egg donor, but i really have my heart set on having this baby with my own eggs, and i now know that i will be quite upset if that’s not the case.  i will still go through with it, and still love the baby, because we had always talked of adoption anyways, and i have always known i could love and parent an adopted child, but i will be sad… which is not how i initially felt a few months ago.  a few months ago, i felt like it wouldn’t matter, and i would be happy either way, and i will… but i will just be much happier to see my face in the baby, as well as my darlings.  so please keep fingers crossed, everyone… like really crossed (except not so crossed as to jinx things, cuz if i remember correctly from when i was a kid, if you cross too much, it can jinx things, though i can’t remember how that went).

alrighty, off to bed…

p.s. so far, no Mirena crash, as mentioned in a previous post.  i have had it out for a week, and i have not had depression or drama or huge hormonal swings or blah like many other women have reported when they have had their Mirena’s removed.  so i am still pro-Mirena.

p.p.s – as much as i hate my dell laptop, i have now come to love wordpress even more, because apparently it auto-saves your posts, so had i gone into my dashboard, i would have seen it waiting for me in all it’s glory.  oh well, i am not going to post both, because they are similar… but yay wordpress!!!

the countdown is off pause.

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so, today i had my Mirena removed.  i cannot say that was a pleasant experience, but it’s out, and i don’t have to have surgery.  it was, however, not nearly as unpleasant as i expected, so it’s nothing to dread, for those out there who may have to have it done one day.  i will still be getting a new Mirena as soon as possible.

the appointment was with a new ob/gyn doctor who i had never met before.  so i talked to him about the prospect of surrogacy, and asked him if he would be willing to support us in this venture, or if he would prefer i go through my GP.  he said that he would provide support on this end, because he deals with infertility issues regularly, so would probably have more expertise than my GP.

he’s a very professional guy, and i couldn’t read him very well, which is strange for me, as i usually read people very easily.  he made a few jokes or remarks that went over my  head at first, but maybe it’s just because i was nervous.  he wasn’t warm and fuzzy at all, but maybe that’s better.  do you really want a warm-fuzzy guy dealing with your vag?  i dunno, probably not.. probably the professional guy is better 😛

so, he reiterated that we need to wait for the methotrexate to leave my body in a few months, and that he also recommends waiting until the Mirena hormones are gone too (a full cycle), but that’ll be fine once the methotrexate is gone.  so, now i have another appointment with him in three months, and in the meantime, he would like us to choose a clinic, so he can order the tests that are required.  he explained a bit about the tests and what they mean for women of my age.  he said we can order most of them and they will be covered under the health plan, but there is one (Serum AntiMullerian Hormone) that will not be covered, and it will be $160 or so.  also, i still need to go for an ultrasound, so he has a complete picture of what’s going on with my ovaries.

so, the countdown is on, i am soooo happy i didn’t have to have the Mirena surgically removed, because that would have been a long waiting list for sure, as it would have been elective… YAY!!

Posting for the sake of posting

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So, really nothing new to report today, and as if I haven’t been on the computer enough today, I thought I would just stop in and write a post.  So it probably won’t have anything of use in it this evening, just some inane rantings (well, not rantings, but umm… chatter?).

So, I have decided it bugs me to capitalize in this blog.  In real life, by which I mean, at home, not at work, I generally don’t capitalize anything but names.  so now i am going to do that here.  i am not sure why i started this blog all professional like, but it kind of bores me now, and i would prefer that my personality show a bit more than it has up to this point.  maybe i did it the other way, because i was all anonymous (still am) and trying to provide “useful information” to folk (still am and will)… so in my inner mind, i felt like i should be professional and write like i would at work.  no more!!!  i think this blog should also include some of my inner dialogue, not just the “clinical stuff”.

so, i had a talk with a good friend of mine the other day.  i broke the news to her about our intention to go through the surrogacy process in India.  she started screaming on the phone, like freaking out, in a good way… so much so, that she had to sit down.  it was comical, and endearing.  she is one of my oldest friends (not in age), she has known me since i was 4, and so really she is family, pretty much like an auntie or a second or third mother (i am lucky enough to have a few), and she is the mom of one of my longest and dearest friends, who has also known me since we were 4.

she is also a post-partum doula, so has a special interest (and knowledge of) this whole process and everything there is to know about babies, most of what there is to know about pregnancy and childbirth, and most everything related to any of the above.  plus, she has a vast interest in human anthropology (and other species too).  needless to say, she offered to be OUR post-partum doula after said baby arrives, to which i just said “we’ll see”, because i can’t even think of such things just now, it’s too soon, and there’s too much to process.  likely, i will take her up on the offer, in some sort of a partial role… that’s my current gut feeling… but again, we’ll see.

so, after she spilled over with enthusiasm, she got down to brass tacks and started playing the devil’s advocate.  she has, you see, spent a month in India, and has some interesting experiences to reflect upon, in addition to her anthropological studies.  she wants us to go into this whole thing with our eyes as wide open as possible, so we don’t get taken advantage of, either ahead of time, or while we are in India, including just after the intended baby is born.  basically, she says that things are very different in India, and that because of the different culture, and the fact that money means a whole lot more than it does here, there is a high chance that people there are saying one thing, and will do the polar opposite, or somewhere on the spectrum farthest from what they said they would do.  she feels that if we don’t pay really good attention, and check things out to the fullest, that anything could be happening without us knowing, and here are a few examples that were thrown out there during the conversation:

  1. our surrogate could be chained up like a slave, with no concern for her, only the baby (product)
  2. our surrogate could be totally unhealthy and undernourished pre-pregnancy, which could make her not strong enough to carry a baby
  3. our surrogate could be out gallivanting while she is pregnant with our baby
  4. we could receive ultrasounds of some other baby
  5. our embryos could be kept and sold or implanted into other surrogates in the future
  6. (luckily research shows that it’s necessary for us, as Canadians, to have a DNA test, done by a Canadian DNA testing lab, to get a passport for our baby, and an exit visa from India, so we will be sure the baby is genetically ours)… i am glad i had researched this already.

so basically, all these things could happen, and a whole lot more, and i am not really sure how to make sure of any of this.  my friend strongly recommends that we take a trip to India to check out the clinics before deciding on one, but i let her know that’s not really financially feasible, to go for a trip that isn’t actually part of the procedure.  she says it’s research, and should be part of the whole process, but it’s still not feasible, even though i can totally see her point.  i am usually quite a hands-on person, so doing this somewhat blind, is a bit daunting.  i guess there’s still time to think about things and do research.

in other news, i told one of my grandmother’s today, that this is our plan.  she’s just about 85, and has been begging all her four grandchildren to have a great grandchild for her, and had all but lost hope.  she had pinned her hopes on my younger brother, because he’s about 10 years younger than me, and it was widely thought he was the most likely of the three of us to have a baby, but i shocked her today with our plans.  she strongly requests twins, and will likely start crocheting post-haste 😛

additionally today (well, yesterday now), i happened upon a wonderful blog by Gina Marie, which made me ponder so much more about our journey, how we got here, and where we are going with all this.  it made me think more about my choices in life, and how i felt about them, and how happy i am that we have made the decision to go through the surrogacy process.  basically, i am happy there are options available to us, and that we have choices, and that we are able to make them at different points in life, whereas a few decades ago, none of this would have been possible, either from a medical or social standpoint… so it’s pretty darn cool that we are living in this time…

clearly i shouldn’t write posts at 1:00 in the morning, i am feeling all philosophical or something, so i think i will go off to bed… this is my brain:

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