wow… who hates their dell laptop?

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it’s ME!!!!  i just typed out a huge post, and my dell laptop has a touch pad mouse that i constantly hit accidentally with the base of my thumb or my wrist or whatever, and it often does things with the page that i don’t wish it to do, and it just deleted my whole post by going to a different page.  and yes, i have tried and tried and tried and tried to disable the effing touch pad mouse, even following the very clear instructions on the dell website for this model of laptop, and for some reason, the disabling of the touch pad is disabled on this laptop.  so it is the bane of my existence (wow, first world problems, eh?) and my long post is gone.  needless to say, it hadn’t started out this way.

so, what it was originally about, was that though we are at a bit of a stand-still, waiting for the chemicals to leave my body, i am kind of unsure of what the next step should be.  should we select a clinic now, and have them ready to receive my test results, or should we just wait for the test results, and then work with various clinics to see what they have to offer, based on my ovarian profile?

in my direct contact with the few clinics, they have asked me for my test results ahead of the actual quote, which makes sense, as they don’t really know what they are dealing with, if we don’t know how viable our eggs and sperm are.  however, is this just a convenience for them, and could we select a clinic now, based on the other criteria (some of which includes how they treat the surrogates, the experiences of others, where they are located, what information they have provided thus far, cost, etc.), or can we truly not make a decision before the test results are in, because maybe the test results will render our choices fewer?  i have a feeling this may be the case.  anyways, i am really not good at waiting or inactivity on a project, so this question is rattling around in my head at the mo’.  i dunno if i will actually be able to answer it, and i think there are several conversations to be had anyways.

ok, so another thing… this is all so strange for us.  we have been together for ten years now, and have never really had a baby so close to being a reality.  we have spent the last ten years saying things like “when we adopt”, “in the future”, or “one day when”, and time has just passed and passed and passed, and i must admit, it kind of seemed like it wasn’t ever going to happen. but, since it had always been such a non-reality, we had never been very upset about the possibility that it wouldn’t happen, because we always just seemed to be busy with other things  .  i guess that’s what it must have seemed like to my mother-in-law too, which is why she proposed this option 😛

so, while i am taking a long time to get to my point, i think that now that this idea has been proposed, and seems like a MAJOR reality, i am really worried it won’t work.  we are really, really, really getting into the idea of having a baby, and while there are some very, very, very, very scary parts to think about, we are so excited.  so what if it doesn’t work?  what if my eggs are too old and crusty and they just won’t work.  i have always been sure that we would still go through with this with an egg donor, but i really have my heart set on having this baby with my own eggs, and i now know that i will be quite upset if that’s not the case.  i will still go through with it, and still love the baby, because we had always talked of adoption anyways, and i have always known i could love and parent an adopted child, but i will be sad… which is not how i initially felt a few months ago.  a few months ago, i felt like it wouldn’t matter, and i would be happy either way, and i will… but i will just be much happier to see my face in the baby, as well as my darlings.  so please keep fingers crossed, everyone… like really crossed (except not so crossed as to jinx things, cuz if i remember correctly from when i was a kid, if you cross too much, it can jinx things, though i can’t remember how that went).

alrighty, off to bed…

p.s. so far, no Mirena crash, as mentioned in a previous post.  i have had it out for a week, and i have not had depression or drama or huge hormonal swings or blah like many other women have reported when they have had their Mirena’s removed.  so i am still pro-Mirena.

p.p.s – as much as i hate my dell laptop, i have now come to love wordpress even more, because apparently it auto-saves your posts, so had i gone into my dashboard, i would have seen it waiting for me in all it’s glory.  oh well, i am not going to post both, because they are similar… but yay wordpress!!!

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