Tag Archives: infertility

contact…

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it’s been a little while since i have written, so i thought i would just give a bit of an update.

one of the things that has happened in the last few weeks is that my step-sister knew a guy, who knew a guy, who did the surrogacy in India journey about three years ago, with a successful result of a beautiful baby.  she asked her guy, to ask his guy if we could be introduced via email and perhaps he could share some info with me.  the second guy kindly agreed, and we have been in touch.  let’s call him Matt.

so, Matt and his wife underwent the surrogacy procedure three years ago, so he is quite sure times have changed (so am i, due to my research).  at that point, there wasn’t as much attention paid to the whole “industry”, and Matt and his wife had to muddle their way through, just learning as they went.  additionally, Matt’s wife had a medical condition that made it important for them to have her go through the IVF at a regular hospital, where they could properly monitor her condition, and therefore didn’t do the IVF and surrogacy through a designated IVF/surrogacy hospital.  had they done it through a designated IVF/surrogacy hospital, they might have received a bit more guidance.

also, Matt and his wife are from the USA, so much of the paperwork and passport/visa information is probably different, so we didn’t delve into that.  he said it was a bit of a nightmare, but maybe that’s just because it’s America? hehe!

from Matt however, i got to see a few of his blog entries from when he returned from India, and learned some things about the food, the culture, what hotels were like, and the fact that internet connectivity was nearly impossible to find there.  i am hoping this last detail has changed a bit in the last three years.  Matt said he never felt worried about crime, and the people were all very nice, though the language and cultural barriers made things very difficult.  they did their procedures in Mumbai, so it was incredibly populated and bustling.  as we have heard from others, the traffic is crazy, but Matt said that while it was crazy and incredible, in the six weeks he was there, he never saw one accident or aftermath of an accident, so i felt encouraged by this.  he also said that the food was wonderful!

some of the other details Matt gave me that were of interest were:

  • even the hotel that he was in, which was $100/night, had cockroaches and bugs everywhere (this does not particularly freak me out)
  • it’s important to try to get a hotel very close to the clinic, transportation is a bit freaky, so if you have to do less, it’s better
  • almost all medical procedures had to be paid in cash
  • Matt and his wife had very little contact with their surrogate
  • they had very little communication from anyone throughout the process.  he found this very difficult, but surmises that this is because it wasn’t a designated surrogacy clinic, and that these days things are probably very different
  • they felt that the medical team and care was very thorough and good in every way
  • they made two trips – the first was for two weeks to do the sperm deposit, IVF and embryo transfer, the second was for six weeks
  • you don’t need to bring a car seat for the baby, it’s just not done there (aaaack, that freaks me out)
  • bring formula – just to be sure you get the best kind, which may not (and probably isn’t) available there
  • you don’t need anything special on the plane
  • make sure there is a car seat in the car that picks you up from the airport when you go home

those are some of the more salient points in our communication so far, but we are not done yet.  i just keep asking him questions and he answers.  i must say it’s really awesome to have some real contact with someone who has gone through this, and his son is beautiful and healthy!

my darling has reminded me that i shouldn’t make my blog entries so long, so i will sign off now… and he says hi!

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Keeping cord blood for the future

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it a baby has an issue in the future and needs a transfusion or .  i am not very well-educated about cord blood, only that it can be very beneficial in the future, here it is in a nutshell:

Cord blood is increasingly replacing bone marrow as the go-to source for stem cells, which are transplanted to help regenerate the body’s blood system with healthy cells. Leukemias, immune and blood disorders are among the diseases treated with stem cells and scientists are working hard to expand the list.”

based on the little i know, i think it would be a very good idea, so i am going to look into it more.  at a glance, there is some controversy about it, as there seems to be with almost everything these days, but i am going to try to find out what i need to know, and will share it with you here.

so far, there seem to be many companies in Canada that will provide you with a collection kit to collect the cord blood when the baby is born, and then pick it up and store it for you, but i haven’t yet found out if it can be sent from India to Canada for storage.  i did find one website that says they can send it to anywhere if you need it in the future, so it would seem that it could be sent from India, it’s just that i would have to figure out how to arrange that.  however, one foot in front of the other, i guess i should find out realistically if it’s a good idea to do it, and make the inquiries into arranging for collection and storage after that decision has been made.

as always, will keep you posted.

touching base…

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not much to report at this point, just biding our time til the chems leave my body and i can go have the testing to get things started.

a couple of days ago, i was searching in WordPress for other peoples’ blogs to do with surrogacy in general, and had put “surrogacy” into the search bar.  after leafing through some of the blogs (many are just advertising from clinics), i came upon one woman totally blasting the concept of surrogacy, making huge generalizations, and also going off about several other topics that are close to my heart, like same sex marriage and a woman’s right to choose.  clearly you will understand what team she was playing for, though i am not going to name the team directly.  as an aside, she was going on and on and on and on about how a the relationship between a child and their biological mother is TOTALLY SUPERIOR to any other relationship that child will ever have, and that nobody can ever care for a child like the biological mother because of some cellular bond (not quoting here) that cannot be understood by anyone but a biological mother, and even went on a bit about how her husband was a pretty good father, but even his relationship with their children was inferior because he is not the biological mother and can’t possibly have the same bond. i am not quite sure how she claims to understand the bond between any two people of which she isn’t one, but whatever.  the thing that pissed me off so greatly, was that she was saying that people who go through with surrogacy are basically ripping off the child (even if it is their own genetic child, carried in a surrogates womb) of the essential relationship with the woman who carried the child.  she basically said that the child really belongs with the surrogate, and that the surrogate and that the child and surrogate will be damaged by their separation.

i was just so offended that she would presume to know about other peoples’ ability to parent or to have a relationship with a child.  i know that there is a bond between a baby and the woman who’s womb they grow in, and i am not going to minimize that, but she was basically just saying that everyone who gives up a child for adoption, adopts a child, participates in surrogacy, fosters, same sex parents, step-parenting, and even single fathers (or married fathers) will provide inferior parenting to the birth mother of a baby.

so, being how i am, i had to post to her, because i can’t resist defending things that i care about…. so we went back and forth a bit, and i finally just cut it short by telling her that there was no way we would ever complete the debate, so there really wasn’t any point in going back and forth.

i guess i wasn’t offended for myself, because (believe it or not), i have zero doubts about my ability to parent or my husbands ability to parent.  i mean, i have thoughts about what would be best, what direction we will go in different areas, how our child will turn out, etc., but they aren’t doubts, they are just the regular thoughts any person planning parenthood would have.  i know that nobody is perfect, and i know that my darling and i will be closer on the scale to perfect parents than to shitty parents, so i am not worried.

she also went on and on about the “commodification of  women in India” and likened it to the recent gang-raping and killing of the young woman on the bus in India.  how fucking moronic (sorry, i think that was my first F-bomb on my blog, i have been letting you all off easy).  she felt that all instances of surrogacy just use women in India, and that they are totally being taken advantage of and that people are terrible for partaking in this practice.  i was pretty offended, after reading many stories of Indian women who feel as though they are not only giving a gift to a childless couple, but being able to provide for their families in ways that they could only dream about.  i guess i was pissed off that she made it look like these women are brainless and have no choice.  i believe she used the word “chattels”.  sigh, i think she doesn’t have a very good opinion of women, other than their ability to bear children… which also meant to me, that she felt women who can’t bear children are basically useless.

i guess i was pissed off because in my reading of other peoples’ blogs, i have seen so many people that have doubts, that if they run across that idiot’s blog, they may really feel sad, or persecuted, and i hate that!!!  oh well, i am done with her, and won’t go back to her blog, because it’s just so much shit.

so, though this may seem like a bit of a rant, it actually isn’t.  having this “conversation” with this woman only made me think things through even more, and realize that we will be such better parents than some that preach judgment and hate to their kids, and have no respect for others…. it made me happy for who i am and who my darling is, because i think our world is a happier one than that of those who are so afraid of the way others do things, that they think it threatens their ideals.

maybe i should preface every post with whether or not it will contain valuable information about the process of surrogacy in India… the blog initially was to assist others in the process, but there has been (and will continue to be) such a huge gap in “movement” that i am filling the space and time with my personal thoughts.  meh, i guess if people are interested, they will find the valuable nuggets that are meaningful to them in their journey, and for those who are not on the same journey, i guess it’s a window into my/our thoughts for these months.

 

A couple of happy stories : )

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For today, here are a few of the happy stories i have found online that don’t smack of being sponsored (though they may be).  i have to say that there are far more happy stories about surrogacy in India than there are negative ones or scary ones, but i try not to read too much into them.  i just wanted to pick a few to share that have some of my ideal concepts in them.

of course it’s not ideal to have a baby that doesn’t make it, or a baby who ends up in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit, for those acronym impaired), but the surrogate experiences and the eventual outcomes are good in these two stories.

interestingly, even though i found them doing random searches on very different dates, both of these stories involve the same doctor (and likely clinic), who wasn’t on the list of those that i was considering at this time.  i wonder if that’s a coincidence or if this doctor/clinic seeks out the documentation of these happy stories? (ever the cynic)

g’night (it’s after midnight here, and i am yawning)

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/16/having-twins-with-a-surrogate-in-india/

http://todayhealth.today.com/_news/2012/05/28/11883566-a-baby-made-in-india-a-couples-dream-comes-true?lite

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on a lighter note

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ok, this hilarious video was on Facebook today, so I nabbed it.  It’s a pity none of my Facebook friends know about this journey, or i could really go to town on there…

 

information overload… seriously.

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i guess i am in a pretty unique position because i am working towards a surrogacy without years of infertility issues and attempts at having a baby.  so, i think this puts me at a bit of a disadvantage because i am now looking at all kinds of message boards, forums, blogs and websites and i don’t share experiences with the writers or community, and i certainly don’t know the lingo.  i go to these sites and see people identify themselves like this (and this is one of the shorter, less acronym-rich IDs):

Age – Both- 33
Severe Male Factor
Me – Mixed Connective Tissue Disease
TTC since 2008
1st treatment – IVF-ICSI November 2012
November 3 – started bravelle and menopur
November 15 – ER – 5 eggs – 4 mature – 3 fertilized with ICSI – 2 survivors
November 18 – 3dt of 2 embryo’s (grade 2 and grade 3)
Dec 3 – Beta 492!! 
Dec 19 – First u/s One little bean, 4 mm 122hb
EDD August 8

i don’t even know what half of those abbreviations and acronyms mean.  so i find that when i am trying to find out something, i need to do a bunch of research to find out what the hell people are talking about, before i can just get the answer to my question.  for example, today i googled “how long does an IVF cycle take?” (luckily i know what IVF means), and in the first answer it said “2ww from an IUI“… well, wtf does that mean?  for those who are just curious, that means two week wait from an intrauterine implantation…. but i had to do two searches on 2ww and IUI before i could understand the first sentence of the page i was looking at.

no offence to the infertility community, but if i am confused, and i have been working in the medical field for nearly 20 years, and am used to researching online and feel comfortable doing so, this must really suck for someone who is new to the infertility community, having tons of stress about their own situation, and just wants some support and help.  it’s very hard to feel a part of a community when you can’t understand what you are reading.  ack, i feel like my brain is trying to wrap my head around the sociology of the community, but that i don’t even really belong to the community because i haven’t seen even one person in my exact situation, and i just basically want some information so i know what to expect.

i also am feeling a bit disjointed because i am not in the same position as anyone i have seen, and i feel really uncomfortable talking about my exact situation in a forum, because i feel there will be judgement… as a matter of fact, i KNOW there will be judgement.  i feel comfortable with people who know me knowing my situation, but i have even gotten some judgey comments from the doctor at one of the clinics i have contacted, so ugh… i am so used to just putting it all out there, and F$%& what anyone thinks, and this situation of not wanting to be judged is different for me…. i don’t like it.

anyways, i feel like sometimes i come blog here and it’s all kind of negative, but i guess it’s just reflective of the things that are freaking me out on this journey.

on the whole, we are extremely excited, and talk a lot about the good things and plans we have for the future.  we have had conversations about baby names and schooling and teenagers and food and health and friends and childcare and family and pets and home and clothing and parenting styles and money and holidays and education and everything else people talk about when they are planning to have a child.  it’s wonderful to think about, and great to plan, and filled with its own stresses and fears, but wonderful overall, and exciting.  i could go on for hours about all the fun things, and perhaps i will closer to the time of the impending baby’s arrival, but for now i am sticking to this portion of the story, which for me, provides lots of things to worry about.

so, sorry reader, for the seemingly negative posts, but since most of you probably know me, you will maybe understand the things i worry about, and just read along.  and those of you who don’t know me, i will assume you are here to find information specific to the surrogacy in India journey, and will continue to provide information as i find it.  i don’t think i will include much information about IVF, because holy crap, there is a TON of info out there already, you just have to learn a new language to understand it, and create an identity for yourself based solely on information surrounding the reasons why you can’t procreate in the usual fashion (and my feelings on that are another story).

so, did you know the human egg is the largest cell in the female human’s body, and is 20 times the size of a sperm, because it’s got to supply the sustenance for the embryos first week of life?

here’s one now (i wonder why it’s purple, but i like it):

human-egg

 

 

 

the holidays are over…

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so, the holidays are over, other than New Years’ Eve, which is usually quite boring for us anyways. being non-drinkers, non-partiers, and largely anti-social, we generally just hang out together and try to find something to watch in terms of a count-down.  this year, we will be spending NYE with hubby’s grandmother.  we will have a nice dinner, and just chat probably.  then drive home, hopefully not running into any drunk drivers.

so, over the holidays, i think we managed to tell everyone about our surrogacy plans.  my darling decided to tell his family, and it went over swimmingly.  i think that there is a combo of folks who are excited now and folks who will be more excited as the plans get solidified.  i think there are more of the latter though, right now this all seems pretty crazy to most people, and until there is a bun in the proverbial oven, it’s not going to be very real.

on another good note, though i haven’t managed to talk to her in person,  my step-sister has found out from our sister, and has read the (this) blog to get caught up.  she emailed me via facebook, and said she knew some people who had done the surrogacy process in India and have a three year old.  it’s so neat how you find out through various grapevines, about different people who have gone through some of the same journeys as you are planning to do, and can gather information through others.  i am really happy with this, as it was all so overwhelming at the start (and still is), but so nice to hear of real success stories.  it makes me feel better, which i have said before.

so we got the results, and the wigglers are good… so that’s half of the equation.  now it’s up to me, and i feel even more worried at the prospect of my old and crusty eggs (yes, i read that exact phrase on a medical website that was describing why sometimes eggs from older women aren’t as viable, they get old and crusty, making it hard for the sperm to break through the shell) not working.  i am going to try really hard not to whine over the next few months about how worried i am, but i am really worried.  funny, three months ago i wouldn’t have even given this a second thought, and now it’s a pretty prominent thought…. oh well, time will pass, and we will know, and that will be that!!!

i think i will go to bed now, we have a big day of furniture moving for Nana… she is getting a new easy chair for the living room and we are going to go pick it up and deliver it for her.  then we will take the old one home, so we can have an easy chair.  a real La-Z-Boy, a leather one… it’s a clunker, and i am worried about the cats going underneath of it, but it’s really comfy, so we will take it on a trial basis 😛

incidentally, can anyone tell me where to get a bottle of this in the Lower Mainland?  i crave it so… 

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wow… who hates their dell laptop?

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it’s ME!!!!  i just typed out a huge post, and my dell laptop has a touch pad mouse that i constantly hit accidentally with the base of my thumb or my wrist or whatever, and it often does things with the page that i don’t wish it to do, and it just deleted my whole post by going to a different page.  and yes, i have tried and tried and tried and tried to disable the effing touch pad mouse, even following the very clear instructions on the dell website for this model of laptop, and for some reason, the disabling of the touch pad is disabled on this laptop.  so it is the bane of my existence (wow, first world problems, eh?) and my long post is gone.  needless to say, it hadn’t started out this way.

so, what it was originally about, was that though we are at a bit of a stand-still, waiting for the chemicals to leave my body, i am kind of unsure of what the next step should be.  should we select a clinic now, and have them ready to receive my test results, or should we just wait for the test results, and then work with various clinics to see what they have to offer, based on my ovarian profile?

in my direct contact with the few clinics, they have asked me for my test results ahead of the actual quote, which makes sense, as they don’t really know what they are dealing with, if we don’t know how viable our eggs and sperm are.  however, is this just a convenience for them, and could we select a clinic now, based on the other criteria (some of which includes how they treat the surrogates, the experiences of others, where they are located, what information they have provided thus far, cost, etc.), or can we truly not make a decision before the test results are in, because maybe the test results will render our choices fewer?  i have a feeling this may be the case.  anyways, i am really not good at waiting or inactivity on a project, so this question is rattling around in my head at the mo’.  i dunno if i will actually be able to answer it, and i think there are several conversations to be had anyways.

ok, so another thing… this is all so strange for us.  we have been together for ten years now, and have never really had a baby so close to being a reality.  we have spent the last ten years saying things like “when we adopt”, “in the future”, or “one day when”, and time has just passed and passed and passed, and i must admit, it kind of seemed like it wasn’t ever going to happen. but, since it had always been such a non-reality, we had never been very upset about the possibility that it wouldn’t happen, because we always just seemed to be busy with other things  .  i guess that’s what it must have seemed like to my mother-in-law too, which is why she proposed this option 😛

so, while i am taking a long time to get to my point, i think that now that this idea has been proposed, and seems like a MAJOR reality, i am really worried it won’t work.  we are really, really, really getting into the idea of having a baby, and while there are some very, very, very, very scary parts to think about, we are so excited.  so what if it doesn’t work?  what if my eggs are too old and crusty and they just won’t work.  i have always been sure that we would still go through with this with an egg donor, but i really have my heart set on having this baby with my own eggs, and i now know that i will be quite upset if that’s not the case.  i will still go through with it, and still love the baby, because we had always talked of adoption anyways, and i have always known i could love and parent an adopted child, but i will be sad… which is not how i initially felt a few months ago.  a few months ago, i felt like it wouldn’t matter, and i would be happy either way, and i will… but i will just be much happier to see my face in the baby, as well as my darlings.  so please keep fingers crossed, everyone… like really crossed (except not so crossed as to jinx things, cuz if i remember correctly from when i was a kid, if you cross too much, it can jinx things, though i can’t remember how that went).

alrighty, off to bed…

p.s. so far, no Mirena crash, as mentioned in a previous post.  i have had it out for a week, and i have not had depression or drama or huge hormonal swings or blah like many other women have reported when they have had their Mirena’s removed.  so i am still pro-Mirena.

p.p.s – as much as i hate my dell laptop, i have now come to love wordpress even more, because apparently it auto-saves your posts, so had i gone into my dashboard, i would have seen it waiting for me in all it’s glory.  oh well, i am not going to post both, because they are similar… but yay wordpress!!!

the countdown is off pause.

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so, today i had my Mirena removed.  i cannot say that was a pleasant experience, but it’s out, and i don’t have to have surgery.  it was, however, not nearly as unpleasant as i expected, so it’s nothing to dread, for those out there who may have to have it done one day.  i will still be getting a new Mirena as soon as possible.

the appointment was with a new ob/gyn doctor who i had never met before.  so i talked to him about the prospect of surrogacy, and asked him if he would be willing to support us in this venture, or if he would prefer i go through my GP.  he said that he would provide support on this end, because he deals with infertility issues regularly, so would probably have more expertise than my GP.

he’s a very professional guy, and i couldn’t read him very well, which is strange for me, as i usually read people very easily.  he made a few jokes or remarks that went over my  head at first, but maybe it’s just because i was nervous.  he wasn’t warm and fuzzy at all, but maybe that’s better.  do you really want a warm-fuzzy guy dealing with your vag?  i dunno, probably not.. probably the professional guy is better 😛

so, he reiterated that we need to wait for the methotrexate to leave my body in a few months, and that he also recommends waiting until the Mirena hormones are gone too (a full cycle), but that’ll be fine once the methotrexate is gone.  so, now i have another appointment with him in three months, and in the meantime, he would like us to choose a clinic, so he can order the tests that are required.  he explained a bit about the tests and what they mean for women of my age.  he said we can order most of them and they will be covered under the health plan, but there is one (Serum AntiMullerian Hormone) that will not be covered, and it will be $160 or so.  also, i still need to go for an ultrasound, so he has a complete picture of what’s going on with my ovaries.

so, the countdown is on, i am soooo happy i didn’t have to have the Mirena surgically removed, because that would have been a long waiting list for sure, as it would have been elective… YAY!!

Posting for the sake of posting

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So, really nothing new to report today, and as if I haven’t been on the computer enough today, I thought I would just stop in and write a post.  So it probably won’t have anything of use in it this evening, just some inane rantings (well, not rantings, but umm… chatter?).

So, I have decided it bugs me to capitalize in this blog.  In real life, by which I mean, at home, not at work, I generally don’t capitalize anything but names.  so now i am going to do that here.  i am not sure why i started this blog all professional like, but it kind of bores me now, and i would prefer that my personality show a bit more than it has up to this point.  maybe i did it the other way, because i was all anonymous (still am) and trying to provide “useful information” to folk (still am and will)… so in my inner mind, i felt like i should be professional and write like i would at work.  no more!!!  i think this blog should also include some of my inner dialogue, not just the “clinical stuff”.

so, i had a talk with a good friend of mine the other day.  i broke the news to her about our intention to go through the surrogacy process in India.  she started screaming on the phone, like freaking out, in a good way… so much so, that she had to sit down.  it was comical, and endearing.  she is one of my oldest friends (not in age), she has known me since i was 4, and so really she is family, pretty much like an auntie or a second or third mother (i am lucky enough to have a few), and she is the mom of one of my longest and dearest friends, who has also known me since we were 4.

she is also a post-partum doula, so has a special interest (and knowledge of) this whole process and everything there is to know about babies, most of what there is to know about pregnancy and childbirth, and most everything related to any of the above.  plus, she has a vast interest in human anthropology (and other species too).  needless to say, she offered to be OUR post-partum doula after said baby arrives, to which i just said “we’ll see”, because i can’t even think of such things just now, it’s too soon, and there’s too much to process.  likely, i will take her up on the offer, in some sort of a partial role… that’s my current gut feeling… but again, we’ll see.

so, after she spilled over with enthusiasm, she got down to brass tacks and started playing the devil’s advocate.  she has, you see, spent a month in India, and has some interesting experiences to reflect upon, in addition to her anthropological studies.  she wants us to go into this whole thing with our eyes as wide open as possible, so we don’t get taken advantage of, either ahead of time, or while we are in India, including just after the intended baby is born.  basically, she says that things are very different in India, and that because of the different culture, and the fact that money means a whole lot more than it does here, there is a high chance that people there are saying one thing, and will do the polar opposite, or somewhere on the spectrum farthest from what they said they would do.  she feels that if we don’t pay really good attention, and check things out to the fullest, that anything could be happening without us knowing, and here are a few examples that were thrown out there during the conversation:

  1. our surrogate could be chained up like a slave, with no concern for her, only the baby (product)
  2. our surrogate could be totally unhealthy and undernourished pre-pregnancy, which could make her not strong enough to carry a baby
  3. our surrogate could be out gallivanting while she is pregnant with our baby
  4. we could receive ultrasounds of some other baby
  5. our embryos could be kept and sold or implanted into other surrogates in the future
  6. (luckily research shows that it’s necessary for us, as Canadians, to have a DNA test, done by a Canadian DNA testing lab, to get a passport for our baby, and an exit visa from India, so we will be sure the baby is genetically ours)… i am glad i had researched this already.

so basically, all these things could happen, and a whole lot more, and i am not really sure how to make sure of any of this.  my friend strongly recommends that we take a trip to India to check out the clinics before deciding on one, but i let her know that’s not really financially feasible, to go for a trip that isn’t actually part of the procedure.  she says it’s research, and should be part of the whole process, but it’s still not feasible, even though i can totally see her point.  i am usually quite a hands-on person, so doing this somewhat blind, is a bit daunting.  i guess there’s still time to think about things and do research.

in other news, i told one of my grandmother’s today, that this is our plan.  she’s just about 85, and has been begging all her four grandchildren to have a great grandchild for her, and had all but lost hope.  she had pinned her hopes on my younger brother, because he’s about 10 years younger than me, and it was widely thought he was the most likely of the three of us to have a baby, but i shocked her today with our plans.  she strongly requests twins, and will likely start crocheting post-haste 😛

additionally today (well, yesterday now), i happened upon a wonderful blog by Gina Marie, which made me ponder so much more about our journey, how we got here, and where we are going with all this.  it made me think more about my choices in life, and how i felt about them, and how happy i am that we have made the decision to go through the surrogacy process.  basically, i am happy there are options available to us, and that we have choices, and that we are able to make them at different points in life, whereas a few decades ago, none of this would have been possible, either from a medical or social standpoint… so it’s pretty darn cool that we are living in this time…

clearly i shouldn’t write posts at 1:00 in the morning, i am feeling all philosophical or something, so i think i will go off to bed… this is my brain:

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